Hell, I Iost four cartons of smokes
on how much one of Jesus' turds weighed.
Look, this is ridiculous.
I'm gonna go talk to Lynard,
reason with him as one adult to another,
apologize to him, and put this entire thing behind us.
I can't see how you can go wrong.
Thanks.
MAN 1: That's the one over here, fool. What I'm talking about.
MAN 2: Hey, come on, hurry it up.
NELSON: Mr. Lynard.
Mr. Lynard,
I know that we did not start
under the best of circumstances,
so I just want to say how sorry I am for the misunderstanding...
(GRUNTS)
Okay.
I deserved that.
I deserved that. I...
Well, we're even.
I have done you wrong,
and twice, you have stabbed me with forks.
So Iet's just try to put this whole thing behind us
and carry on about this business of Iiving.
Sit.
Well, I should really get back to my friends.
Sit.
It took a Iot of guts to do what you did.
Nobody's ever stood up to me before,
except my old man.
I'm sure he's a great man.
I killed him.
I'm gonna kill you the same way.
You didn't kill him with kindness? Did you?
With a hammer.
Like the Beatles song.
(CHUCKLES)
Don't scream.
Now, give me my eating utensil back.
MAN 3: Your mama! That's what I'm Iooking at.
Hey, bud, how'd it go? Super.
AII right. So he's not going to kill you?
No, he is, just not right now.
Not here, fellas.
Thank you.
Thanks for playing.
(WHISTLING)
Hey, don't sweat it, compadre,
The way I see it is you still got three options.
You could kill yourself, you could fight him,
or you could just Iet him kill you,
which honestly might be your best solution.
Or you could always move out to the boondocks.
Get a Iittle place of your own, private cell.
Private cell?
How do I do that?
Well, just stand right here. Okay?
JOHN: Hey!
MAN 1: Watch it! MAN 2: That ain't mine. It's cool.
Hi.
JOHN: When you're already in jail
and you break the rules you think,
"What the hell are they gonna do, throw me in jail?"
The answer's yes,
It's called isolation, The hole,
In the hole, it's impossible to tell the difference
between five minutes and forever,
Your mind plays tricks on you,
you get depressed, you get disoriented,
but most folks just suffer from extreme panic
and vivid, horrifying hallucinations,
(CRYING) BARKER: Nelson. Nelson.
Who's there? It's me, Nelson, Sergeant Barker.
The dog that fights crack.
(CRYING) PIease! PIease open the door!
Had enough of yourself already?
I don't blame you. Let's go.
How Iong was I in there? Two days.
Hey. Look who's back.
How are you, killer?
Nice stubble. Very Miami Vice,
MAN: Get out of here.
Looks good.
JESUS: Looks beautiful. Looks beautiful.
How you holding up, Nelson?
I'm not going to make it.
JOHN: What do you mean?
You're not thinking about doing yourself in, are you?
My friend, I'm all out of smack today,
but you may be in Iuck.
Because I've got some very nice alternatives.
Paprika.
That's right. Paprika.
A mere two, three pounds of this stuff, boom! To the moon.
Only side effects may be some mild-to-uncontrollable shitting.
I need something that will kill me.
Oh, it's Iike that.
I don't condone that, my friend,
but pretty much any of this shit'II kill you.
Oh yeah, I got old standard drain cleaner.
Brass cleaner.
(LAUGHING) Oh!
Eureka. Oh, yeah.
This is something called boat cleaner.
I think it's used to clean boats with.
Give me the boat cleaner and a needle.
NELSON: "Dear Pen Pal,
"Well, I'm beaten, It's all over for me,
"I have to do whatever I have to do
"to get away from the evil, soulless douchebags
"who populate this filth-infested shit hole, "
"I dream about Iining up the ass-wipes
"who run this place
"and cutting off their dicks.
"Pardon my fucking French. I guess they win.
"They've made me into one of them.
"From one vicious motherfucker to another.
"Good Iuck with the rest of the second grade and stay free.
"Your pal in the pen, Nelson."
I'm sorry I missed your Ietter, Billy.
Okay. Jane, you're next.
(DOOR BUZZING)
Hey, Nelson, I'm gonna take a quick walk.
See you Iater.
(CLEARING THROAT)
You know, it's times Iike this
when I think about something my dad once said to me.
He said, "Oh, God, please don't kill me
"with the hammer, Lynard, please."
(LYNARD EXCLAIMING)
Hey! I don't need any help here.
Back off or you're next.
You're not part coon, are you?
I'd have a Iot more fun doing this if you were part coon.
MAN: Hey, Iet's hold it down in here.
Sorry, no coon.
Mostly Dutch.
Well, I'm gonna kick you in the face anyway, I guess.
(GROANING AND GRUNTING)
Ring around the rosy.
LYNARD: Well, hee-haw. What have we here?
That's mine.
You're holding out on your old pal Lynard.
No, Lynard, it's not that, it's... It's my Iast fix.
Oh, yeah.
PIease. Kill me if you want, Lynard,
but please don't make me face it sober.
Screw yourself, dickhead.
You don't need this where you're going.
I'm begging you.
Don't do it.
Don't throw me into the briar patch.
Do what?
If you weren't such a white-supremacist asshole,
you would have read up on your Uncle Remus.
I did what I had to do.
You heard the man. Back up, boys.
Well, that was pretty goddamn weird.
You know, you're gonna get another 20 years for that.
For what? I didn't do anything.
He shot himself up.
I got the needle right here.
Fuck.
So the plot fucking thickens.
What did you say? Hmm?
Nothing. Did I say that out Ioud?
Oh shit, John.
They're all staring at me. What do I do?
Just play it cool, amigo,
Hey, I got something for you.
No, man, I don't want any Biederman action.
What do you want?
I just wanted to say I owe you one.
Lynard was the kind of dickhead who gives Nazis a bad name.
So anyway, from now on, White Kingdom's got your back.
Yeah. Brother. White Kingdom.
MAN: White Kingdom. Yeah.
What the hell is going on?
I think you're tippy-top dog now.
That's ridiculous. No one's scared of me.
Well, Iet's see.
Yo, cueball.
Your fat ass is stinking up Biederman's seat.
Pop up.
Look, I don't want no trouble.
Well, that's good to hear, you...
Pussy. Pussy.
So are you gonna move or do my friends have to move you for me?
Good, because I don't take no crap from no
Lucian Freud-Iooking pussies Iike you.
MAN: Hey. Get your fingers out of my plate! You crazy?
Wow. I really, really can't believe that worked.
(CELL DOOR OPENING)
(DOOR BANGING SHUT)
Of all the bathroom stalls in all the correctional facilities in all the world,
he walks into mine.
Haven't you heard the news, Barry?
The news? Oh, yeah.
Barry finally pitches, Pisces catches,
home team wins.
(SNICKERING)
Don't even think about it, Barry.
That hurt, Nelson.
Not physically,
but I thought we'd gotten past
this point in our relationship.
What are you talking about?
Well, over the Iast few months
I've started to Iike you a Iot.
Grown accustomed to your face, if you will.
Thought you felt the same way, but I see now.
I've been Iiving in a fool's paradise.
Look, I should really get back to...
Uh-huh? Uh-huh?
Is this how you treat someone you Iove?
Choking them in a men's room?
No.
I don't know.
Maybe.
Oh, shit!
Maybe I was thinking you'd forget all about me
if you wasn't scared I was gonna cut your nuts off.
Maybe behind the facade,
there's just a scared Iittle boy
who didn't never get enough Iove.
Look, Barry...
I never thought...
Oh, just Ieave me alone.
Go to him.
Barry.
Pisces.
Get him!
Kick his ass. Let's go!
Stop!
Did he touch you, boss? We'II gut him, right here.
(FARTS) Yes, he touched me.
Sorry. That was me. Keep going.
But not Iike that.
I'm giving him a pass this time.
What are you Iadies up to?
You, Lyshitski, in the hole!
Are you kidding me? I didn't even do anything.
They're over there. I'm over here.
Don't you have eyes?
In the hole!
JOHN: The system is one shifty prick,
You dodge right, it shifts left,
You think you're on top of it, suddenly you're underneath it,
The ass end of the punch-line,
During my retreat, Nelson had become king of the crapper,
and nobody seemed to flinch,
Just the opposite,
They're eating up his fancy-ass rich-boy act
Iike he was Ben & Jerry's Heroin Chunk,
So at exactly the appointed minute
when old LaRoche's back is turned,
all the boys shoved their books onto the floor.
(ALL LAUGHING)
OId LaRoche almost had a heart attack.
He didn't know what hit him.
Can't wait to see your grand premiere, baby.
From the tippety, cocksuckers!
Five, six, seven, eight...
(SINGING)
Go, John. Go, John.
(JOHN WHISTLING)
Phillips head.
Hey, John. Hey.
Didn't see you there.
It's good to see you. Yeah.
You know, I've been meaning to talk to you about something.
What's that? Remember when I first got in here?
I had the balls of a soufflé, I'II be honest with you.
But you changed that, John, you really did. Did I?
Yeah.
I owe everything that I am today to you, John. I really do.
I mean, you gave me my self-esteem back.
I've got the Iove of a man. Wow, good!
AII the things that you could want.
I found myself and I just feel Iike I really wanna
give you something, John, I do. Perfect! Yeah.
Can I get you some cigarettes? No. I'm good.
What about porn? Cigarettes and porn? No. I'm good.
John, you're the greatest.
I wanna say, from the bottom of my heart... Yeah?
Thank you. (CHUCKLES) Okay.
Hey, have some tea. Hey, thanks.
Made it for you. Okay.
AII right, have fun.
Come on!
JOHN: How did this happen?
A few months ago, I had his balls in a vise,
Now with his parole hearing just around the bend,
it looks like he might be taking his balls and going home,
Hold still. You got to Iook good for court.
There you go.
You wanna go out tonight?
Me and some of the guys were thinking about
going down to the Iaundry room,
drinking some toilet wine,
and beating up some of the new guys.
Or we could just stay in and drink toilet wine here.
We never go out anymore.
Well, I've got to hand it to you, buddy.
You're a bigger man than I thought you were.
They beat you up,
they robbed you of your dignity,
they pissed in your food,
but they didn't break you.
And with the revolving-door policy of today's prison system,
you're probably gonna get paroled tomorrow.
They pissed in my food?
What difference does it make?
You're getting out tomorrow and I'm proud of you.
Really? Really.
In fact, I snuck you in a going-away present.
Good Iuck at your hearing. I'II see you in 1-to-3.
Thank you, John. Okay.
Couldn't have made it in here without your help.
Why is it already opened?
I opened it for you. What for?
'Cause I'm a great guy
and I know you had a real tough day.
You don't trust me?
After all we've been through?
One friend can't give another friend a soda
without that friend thinking
the second friend put a roofie in it?
Wow. Well, that hurts, pal.
That hurts.
I've been Iooking out for you for almost a year now,
and then I bust my nuts getting you this goddamn fruity soda
and you think I'm up to something?
Well, screw you, pal.
I thought we were friends.
I'm sorry, John.
God, this place has really done a number on me.
It has.
We are friends.
In fact, you might be the best friend I've ever had.
That's it. Get it all. Go for it.
The taste of freedom.
Oh, John, what would this world be Iike without...
(RETCHING)
AII right, maestro, come on, Iet's get him out of here.
We got to put his new face on.
Wake up, Biederman. Parole board's waiting.
Let's go.
So, Mr. Biederman,
do you feel you're ready to re-enter society?
Absolutely.
Prison's made me a new man.
When I get out of here,
I intend to stand up for what I know is right.
JOHN: When the parole board gets through with der Führer,
two things are going to happen,
One, they're gonna file his early release form
right in between Charles Manson and the Unabomber's,
And two, Nelson's going to be pissed as hell at me,
Why'd you do it, John?
Amigo, I did it for your own good.
Now hear me out on this one, all right?
Listen, you got to sandbag your first parole hearing, because...
Okay, you want to know why? I knew your dad.
What? Yeah. The judge.
The man who made me who I am today.
The same man who's going to kill you right now.
What would you call that?
I'd call that pretty crazy, isn't it?
No! It's ironic!
The word you want is "ironic"!
(SCREAMS)
AII right, cut the shit! Get up, you mothers. Get up, get up now!
Get him up against the wall! Go, go, go!
(TASER GUNS BUZZING) Get up! Get up!
You two pussies gonna have a cage match
and I don't even get an invitation?
Wow, that's selfish.
That's selfish.
'Cause goddamn it, I want a front-row seat to that catfight.
You two want to kill each other? Great, stupendous.
Save everybody else around here the hassle. But this is my prison.
I schedule the extra-curricular activities.
And if you two are going to fight,
I need some time to get some action going.
So, how's...
How's Friday sound, huh? Friday good? Say, rec yard?
Fight to the death?
Does that work for you two dickheads?
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Sounds Iike a yes to me.
Sounds Iike a yes.
Wait.
What do I win if I win?
If you Iose, you die. If you win, you die.
The difference is I kill the winner. It'II be quick.
JOHN: In one year, I've proven that the machine
can warp a law-abiding, spineless sack of shit like Biederman
into a totally violent, psychopathic and lethal sack of shit,
The only flaw in my plan was now I'm locked in a cage with him,
Friday, the yard. John versus Nelson. Fight to the death.
Yeah, fight's gonna takes place on the cistern.
Uh-huh.
That's awesome. Hey, how much does brain damage pay?
GUARD: Brain damage? I don't know,
You gotta ask Shanahan, He's taking the bets,
I'II put two cartons on Richie Rich taking Lyshitski down.
And this, too, fool.
Brain damage, three to two, ear bit off, even money,
ear cut off, seven to five.
Damn, you can cover all that action?
Sure.
Only took me a second to get the cash.
Second mortgage.
(WHISTLES)
Biederman, you got a visitor!
(TASER GUN BUZZING)
(SCREAMS)
You're really getting Iiberal with the Taser.
Congratulations, Barry. I'm glad they Iet you out.
Parole board say I seem Iike a new man.
I told them it was all because of you.
Baby,
you the Ashford to my Simpson.
The Peaches to my Herb.
The Shields to my Yarnell.
(SHUSHING)
Barry, you should be happy. Barry, you're free.
You know I can't be happy without you, baby.
I was just thinking about going postal over at the Popeye's Chicken
so I can get Iocked back up in here with my sweet Iittle Pisces.
I got to get you out.
That's very kind of you, Barry,
but you've got to Iisten to me.
The only way that I'm getting out of here is in a body bag.
It had better be a body bag for two, goddamn it,
'cause I wanna be sewn right in there with your ass.
That's very sweet, Barry.
I wish there were something I could do for you.
You're the closest thing to family I've ever had.
Family...
Actually, Barry, there is something I can do for you.
Damn it.
Damn it!
WOMAN: Mr, Hinkley, you have a telephone call on line one
and there's a gentleman here to see you,
He doesn't have an appointment,
Well, tell him to wait. Hello.
NELSON: Hello, Duane,
Nelson, is that you? You allowed to make phone calls now?
Only to my lawyer, I want out, Now,
I'm sorry, sir.
There's nothing we can do.
Our hands are tied.
Well, in that case, I'll just have to turn control
of the Foundation over to my son
and, in accordance with the Foundation's charter,
he'll be the one running things for me until I'm out,
I'm sorry, did you say your son?
Oh, I adopted a young man I met in prison, He's out now,
Everything's nice and legal, Duane,
I think you'll enjoy working for him,
He's a real sweetheart,
(BANGING ON DOOR)
What the hell are you doing in my office, biatch?
Mr. Shanahan. Sir.
If you have knowledge of anything untoward
happening amongst the inmate population,
I will not hesitate to put your ass in a grinder!
(CLEARING THROAT)
I'm just tugging your nuts.
(ALL LAUGHING) Oh.
Give me 50 bucks on that preppy asshole.
Oh, Warden, that is my sense of humor right there, Warden.
(INMATES CLAMORING)
AII right! You both know the rules!
Whoever dies first Ioses!
CROWD: Nelson! Nelson! Nelson! Nelson!
MAN 1: Get your ass up! MAN 2: Get him!
Get him, man!
Laotian-style. Yeah?
I Iike Cambodian rules.
(GRUNTING)
Wow, that is so cool.
I saw a dress made out of credit cards
in Vanity Fair a couple of years ago.
That's what gave me the idea.
I Iike it. I got one for you.
(SCREAMING)
What is that? Industrial disinfectant.
They got a shit Ioad in the workroom.
See you in hell, Lyshitski!
You bet, bud.
Don't do it, John.
I won't if you won't.
You know, you taught me a Iot of things, John.
The most important thing you taught me,
never trust anybody.
AII right, Iadies, we're on Iockdown!
Dead.
AII right, get them out of here before they start stinking.
DUANE: Here's the rest of the necessary paperwork.
As Mr. Biederman's only heir,
you're entitled to the entire trust.
Well, money can't fix a broken heart.
Okay. Well, it's $8 million.
Well, I guess that will take out a Iittle of the sting.
(GASPING)
The only way that I'm getting out of here is in a body bag.
Pigeon saliva mixed with bat guano, and tar as an emulsifier.
It won't kill you, my friend,
but it will put you in a stupor.
More of a coma, really. Up to three days.
Trust me, that'II do the trick.
What took you so Iong?
Hey, come on. Give me a break, baby.
I had to wait for all those white people to Ieave.
AII right.
Let's go. Hey, wait a minute now. Deal's a deal.
If you Iose, you die. If you win, you die.
The difference is I kill the winner. It'II be quick.
We're fucked. We got to work together.
Okay, but don't fuck me on this one.
Yeah. Trust me, that'II do the trick.
Thanks, amigo,
Well, hold on, now, baby duck,
there is such a thing as karma.
We don't want to get on the wrong side of that.
We got the rest of our Iives to Iive.
I don't think so.
Hey, wait a minute, now.
If it wasn't for this asshole, we would've never met.
(GRUNTS)
Oh, thank God.
I got to drop a deuce Iike no one's business.
AII right, so that's it, John.
We're even. AII right?
Yeah.
Let's go, Barry.
JOHN: You know, there aren't a shit load of prison stories
you'd wanna tell your grandkids,
but this one definitely falls into that category,
Hey, you think I could grab a ride from you guys?
(LAUGHING)
Can you believe this guy?
(SIGHS)
NELSON: Well, Barry and I
are big fans of Wine Aficionado magazine
and I have to confess that we are very eager to hear your opinion.
Be careful for what you wish for, gentlemen.
That first sniff unlocks the door.
Oh, and that second sniff invites you in, sits you down,
and gives you a foot massage.
Watch yourself.
What is it that I detect?
A trace of ammonia or some other sort of disinfectant?
No, it's ammonia.
I see. Well, then I'm done with it.
You haven't even tasted it yet. Precisely.
Well, at Ieast Iet us introduce you
to our head vintner. He came up with...
Gentlemen, I don't need to taste your wine nor meet your head vintner
to confidently proclaim
that this wine is a piece of shit...
A Iittle piece of heaven?
Ken Kennedy, head vintner.
See, we're a family here
and our grapes are a part of that family.
And they know that we'd do anything for them.
For instance, if some outsider,
say, some shit-eating fruit fly were to come in here
and mess with them in any way whatsoever,
we, and by "we" I mean
me and my brothers over there,
would stop at nothing to protect them,
and they know that.
So that is why I think
you're gonna score Baby Duck wine 100 out of 100
on your next review.
Because you can taste the Iove in every sip.
Okay?
Yes, I...
Of course. 100 it is.
Do you hear that? BARRY: Drink up, bitches.
(GAGGING)
Goddamn, is that sweet.
(MOVE THIS PLAYING)
(SINGING)
Come on!
Come on, John.
John, isn't this great?
Shake that body for me, Johnny.
Come on, Lyshitski.
(MELLOW SONG PLAYING)
(FUNKY POP SONG PLAYING)
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
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